Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
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wait.
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter