[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
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If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
no
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
Oh boy, $150,000!
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.