How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
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Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”