Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
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me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
Yes, this is exactly right
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.