Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
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I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
Tammy is short for Tamuel
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?