I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
You Might Also Like
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
Jurassic park gets weird
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
And then there were 4
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news