[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
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If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
I’m being attacked 😭
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time