I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
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I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo