me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
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I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
Me too
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.