Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
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Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it