If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
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Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.