stirring up shit at the wedding by going up to random people and saying “i think it’s so brave that you’re here”
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Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
This can never not be funny 😭😭
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
Pretty sure the best place to hide a dead body is in a tab you opened in a new window to read later.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
6: are snakes just neck?
that would 100% work on me
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb