Pretty sure the best place to hide a dead body is in a tab you opened in a new window to read later.
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Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
Golf would be better with landmines.
Good luck finding a wedding photo better than this
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
Not to be all get off my lawn about it but at what point are we going to decide that maybe our vacuums and our refrigerators don’t need to connect to the internet and I shouldn’t need to have a password to do my laundry.