Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
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Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
Is fructose made with real fruct?
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”