Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
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Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
#Caturday
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”