god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
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[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.