The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
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We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
accurate
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”