My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
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[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart