If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
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Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
Monday
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
LOL!
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*