Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
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judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
dogs can find happiness so easily
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.