Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
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my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”