I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
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Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.