Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
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Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.