My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
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*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
it sucks that the 2020 election’s approach of both candidates offering us competing stimulus checks has vanished. please bring that back. please bribe us with money.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.