People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
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waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
āwhatās your favorite childhood memory?ā
not going to work.
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: Iām sick, not dead.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
To someone this means āA new startā. To everyone else, it doesnāt.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
āOmg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!ā
I love wikipedia
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” š
āMom can you take this scratch off my leg?ā and other ludicrous requests my kids have
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because heās big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: Itās for arson, I swear!
Mom: Itād better be!
Iām gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesnāt count.
If you donāt have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you