Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
You Might Also Like
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.