why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
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The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
Perfect
I have never heard an armadillo before.
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.