my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
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A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped