When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
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Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…