[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
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Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
This cat wants you to take your pills
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs