Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
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*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
🌱🌱🌱
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.