The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
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4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”