My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
You Might Also Like
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume