I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
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It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
shut up and take my money
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
Maths meets science
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road