馃ザ馃ザ馃惗馃惗
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People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
“OMGJK” -atheists
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Human: what鈥檚 up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
Two princes?
I鈥檒l take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*