Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
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Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.
cookie:
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.