[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
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Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease