I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
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[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
Jokes on them. I took 10.
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
How does one answer this?
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.