After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
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Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick