Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
You Might Also Like
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
Meow
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.