Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
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“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?