Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
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If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.