Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
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I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs