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My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.