Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
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I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
How about daylight saves us for once
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
this is literally a CIA plant
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice