The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
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My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
Meme Monday.
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese