My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
You Might Also Like
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat