Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
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*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that