“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
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cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
*3.5 thank you very much.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.