Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
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*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!